Thought of the Month

Don"t ask children "Why" they did something! Instead find out--"What's the problem?"

This is a topic that could be covered in depth; however, as Kid Activities "Thoughts of the Month" go, it is a brief tip page...a reminder for us when dealing with challenging issues of children and inappropriate behavior.

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 When a child behaves inappropriately in some way, often the first words out of our mouth is "Why did you_____?!"

First... Frequently, the child doesn't know why he/she did it! If you ask you may get an--
    • I don't know...
    • I wanted to...
    • The dog did it; Tom did it; I knew he would do it first; etc, etc, etc.

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Second: When a child gives you a reason, it validates the behavior. He gave you a reason--so this now makes it O.K.

Children start to develop excuse-making habits as soon as parents/caregivers begin asking them the question: "Why did you do that?" 

At first it is quite innocent;  however, as children get older they often begin to use excuses and blaming in order to avoid being held accountable for inappropriate behavior. This isn't something we want kids to take into adulthood. We want them to take ownership and responsibility for actions.

 • Children don't want to get blamed for something ...

• They don't want a consequence...

• They don't want to face disapproval

Whatever the problem, implement appropriate behavioral management. There are so many things that could make us want to ask "why". Depending on the behavior we could instead...

• Talk about the behavior. If the child needs to cool down-have them do so-- and then say something such as "I saw what happeded. Now let's talk about it."

• Investigate--see what's going on; what happened-and what happened before that!

• Use redirection

• Remove the child from the area

• Use natural or logical consequences--Example: Susan tore up someone's paper, she needs to fix it.

• Is conflict resolution needed?

Don't ask "Why?" Let's get into the habit of saying,
"What's the problem"?  It will help children learn to identify the thing they actually want to work on or change.

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 #Third...Asking "why" -- may tell the child you don't have a clue! Humorous but true!

You may also be interested in Why NOT to make kids say they're sorry!

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Who doesn't know a child or two who whines?! This is one of the most prevalent irritants to adults, as well as one of the most simple to handle. With some children, it can become a major issue.

 Whining develops into a habit because it gets attention. It's a learned behavior. It's most prevalent from ages two to four, but can last longer. Children have needs and whining can develop as a communication form to get those needs met. How long it lasts depends on how the adults in the child's life handle it. 

 Some Quick Tips:

How do we take care of it?  By simply refusing to respond to it.

• If a child is not ill or suffering from a speech impediment or handicap that makes it difficult to speak--ignore it! If the whining child's basic needs are being met, tell the child you will not respond to whining.

• Most children will stop when you say something such as, "I can't understand you unless you talk to me." "Tell me what you want". Or "I don't like it when you talk to me like that. If you want a cookie, say it like this..." Then model the exact tone and words you want the child to use.

• In severe cases, you may need to tell a child to go and whine in another room and when they are ready to talk, you'll be happy to listen to them. On a personal note, I've had the experience with one child (grandchild, age 3) who got into the habit of whining. When she started speaking to me, I calmly said, "I want to hear your 'Sarah voice'-not the whining voice." In this case, it worked after the third reminder. I seldom hear the whine anymore. Sarah (not real name) learned the difference between a whining tone and a regular speaking tone. (We also need to be good role models ourselves--and keep the whine out of our own voices!)

Give tons of attention when behavior is appropriate. Kids crave attention-and they quickly learn what works to get it! Give attention to appropriate and positive behavior, not to behavior that is undesirable!
Barb Shelby

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You may also be interested in  Building a Child's Self-Esteem  which also incudes "How to Praise a Child"...

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 Cursing among kids is more prevalent today than ever before! In a recent survey, four out of five teachers said that student's behavior was worse than ever; children as young as three are using bad language. Fortunately, it is a problem that can be addressed in your home, program or classroom.

 • Keep your cool when kids use bad words. Think for a moment before responding. Children are finding their place in the world. They are going through...What can I do? What can't I do? (And even...What can I get away with?) Some children may curse to see what kind of a reaction they will get from you. Even a very young child who doesn't know the meaning of the word may simply use it because it is known to shock adults. It may also have received attention in the past.

 • If you stay calm and control your reaction, you take away the shock value of the swear word and render it ineffective. The young child may forget the incident and entirely forget the word. If the child is older, calmly but firmly say "It's not Ok to use that word here."

• Make a game of it and offer alternatives! After isolating the word(s) used, encourage children to think of appropriate alternatives. Start off with some substitutes; you can say words such as "shoot!" "darn" "phooey"... Next challenge the child to come up with other alternatives. This is especially effective if the child is cursing from frustration and trying to express an emotion. If this is the case, say I see that you're upset, but the word you used bothers people. Hopefully you'll be hearing "fudge" or "rats" in the future!

• If your are working with children and none of this works -- and the words continue in the future, tell the child you will need to talk to their parent about the inappropriate language. This consequence in itself may squash the verbiage.

•  If you are a parent, silence the source. Make a point of setting up 'house rules' where everyone must use acceptable vocabulary in front of the kids. Children model the language and behavior of those around them-be sure your home is a haven of words you want your child to use.

 • If the words are coming from television or video games-consider censoring what is being watched and played. You can activate your TV's V-chip-as well as control computers. Is it coming from a friend or school? Talk to the child's teacher or parent.

•  Reward positive behavior by noticing when a child stops cursing. When you hear a 'substitute' word being used instead of the 'real' word,'  notice it and remark "Ahh, you didn't use the bad word--good for you." Receiving attention for appropriate behavior  goes far in reinforcing change.

 • As a side note-also watch for children using words such as stupid, dumb, gay, retarded, etc. when referring to people! These words are also inappropriate and extremely mean and hurtful! Teach children they are NOT OK to use...

Barb Shelby

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Self Esteem begins to develop at a very early age. By getting children off to the best possible start, we give them a gift that they can carry with them for the rest of their life! Share yourself with your children. Bring your talents, skills and hobbies into their lives, program, and classroom.

Our goal isn't to mold cookie-cutter children, but to nourish each child's individual spirit! To help them stay in touch with their feelings, explore ways of dealing with outside influences and to increase their sense of trust and kindness... 

Some ways are by presenting:

   • Skill Building Sports

  • Gym/Yoga/Exercise

  • Cooking/Snack preparation

  • Outdoors

  • Knitting/Sewing/Crocheting

  • Woodworking

  • Science/Nature 

  • Party Planning (involving youth in any planning)

  • Caring for Animals    

  • Community Service & Random Acts of Kindness

  • Creative Arts/Crafts

  • Foreign Languages/Sign language

  • Drama

  • Interest Clubs/Classes

  • Dancing/Singing

  • Music 

  • Youth helping with younger children 

Helping children develop a positive self image is an important task we face as caregivers, parents, and teachers. Fortunately, there are many things we can do. Some of them are:
 
1.  Model appropriate behavior; children model after people they respect. Let them know that you feel good about yourself. Also let them know that you make  mistakes and learn from them.

2. Give children time with their friends; peer groups are very important.

3. Don't give into "learned helplessness". When children say they can't do something, show them how in stages so they can. You can also say, 'If you could,  how would you start it?"  Don't do it for them. When a child says, "I can't do that. End their sentence with the words, "Not yet!"

4. Clearly define limits, rules and boundaries; be consistent.

5. Don't make children feel attacked or defensive when there are challenges; work with them to find solutions or alternative behaviors.

6. Help children discover how THEY feel about their accomplishements, NOT how OTHER people feel. Example:" Mrs. Green, (or Mom) I got an A on my test!" "Great I saw how hard you were studying this morning."

7. Make children feel lovable and competent. 

    Suggestions:

• Look  children in the eyes when you talk to them.

• Go down to their level when you talk to them.

 • Use their ideas.

• Don’t change or improve their projects.

• Put up all work-- good or bad.

 • Allow them their creativity; leave the "blue grass and raggedy edges" alone!

• Notice the positive in them; give them individual attention.

• Use their name; greet them daily.

• Present activities within their skill range.

 • Give them responsibility and jobs.

• Have reasonable expectations.

• Give sincere praise and recognition. Instead of saying, "Oh, that's beautiful!" Be specific and say,"Oh, look at the reds and greens!"

• Help the rejected child learn ways to make friends.

 • Know the general development of children's varied "ages and stages".

• Listen to them!!!

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HOW TO PRAISE A CHILD

When working (or being a parent) with  children and youth, it's not uncommon to praise them for a job well done. However, according to Becky A. Bailey, author of "Conscious Discipline," how you praise them can make the difference between encouraging and discouraging behavior.

Bailey explains that general praise, such as saying someone is "always helpful," can burden a child, by making him or her feel pressured to live up to a set standard. If the praise "relies on value judgments too often, you teach children that 'good' equals 'pleasing others' and 'bad' equals 'displeasing others.' "

To give praise effectively, Bailey recommends STATING SPECIFICS of what is praiseworthy. For example, instead of saying "Nice job" after a child puts away his toys, say, "You cleaned your play area very nicely."

Bailey emphasizes that some phrases - or tags - that describe values can't be used enough, such as telling a child that he or she was helpful, thoughtful or kind.

  Something to think about...Do you know that ...

  • At grade 5…
       20% of children Have high self-esteem.

    • At grade 12…
       5% of youth…Have high self-esteem.

    • As success goes up…
       Self-esteem goes up!

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What does it mean when you say, "I'm Sorry"?

Saying  "I'm sorry" is an act of apology.
It's telling someone you feel badly for hurting them in some way--for saying or doing something offensive --for breaking--pushing--being mean-- or not understanding how another feels. Sometimes it's on purpose--sometimes accidental.

That said...
When appropriate, WE WANT our children to sincerely feel sorry and apologize. We WANT them to take responsibility and ownership for their actions. In the real world this doesn't always happen.

Whether you're a parent or working with children - 
What do we do when Johnny hits Tommy?  Suzie takes away a toy? Joel tells Kyle he hates him?

Often without thinking an adult will say, "Say you're sorry!"

What if the child is NOT sorry?  He/she is still too angry, doesn't want to get into trouble, or is feeling defensive.  Making a child say they're sorry, when they are not, doesn't help the injured party feel any better nor does it teach the offending child a positive life lesson.

Do we want our child to grow up to be a person who says, "Well, I SAID I was sorry!" Making children say they are sorry only to satisfy an adult, or to not get into trouble, can create the habit of avoiding taking responsibility for actions.

So then, what can we do?

1.  Investigate. Find out what happened and what happened before that.

2.  If an apology and restitution is indicated--and the child does not sincerely apologize on their own--WE should say we are sorry.
            Example: 
          • Tommy, I am so sorry that Bill tore your picture. I can see it took a long time to make it.
          • The child with the hurt feelings and the torn picture hears words of empathy-he knows that someone understands how he feels. 
          • The offending child has the benefit of good role modeling. He has heard words of empathy.

2. Next, have the hurt child tell the other child how he feels.
          Example:
          • I feel bad that you tore my picture. It took me a long time to draw and color it.

3. If Bill says something such as--
         • "I'm  sorry I ruined it; it was wrong for me to do that"... you're on your way to a good conflict resolution!

4. Next ask Bill what he can do about it? Some ideas he may come up with or say are:
        • I can help tape it. 
        • We can do another one together
        • What can I can do to make it better?
The lesson here is for children to learn that some things are right and some are wrong. If wrong, we help children figure out what to do to fix it and/or what to do differently next time.

5. The above are some responses for which we hope. If the aggressor takes ownership, responsibility, and discusses alternative behavior, nothing more is needed.  If you need to talk to the aggressive child--be sure to send the other child away. (Privacy)

6. If you are working in a child care program, and the aggressor does not take responsibility nor discuss it, then the parent should be involved and/or a behavior notice step taken --whichever is indicated.

 A little more... October's Thought of the Month, "Don't ask Kids Why?"  ties in with this topic. Read both for a more complete thought. You may be surprised on why NOT to ask kids 'why'...

When a child misbehaves and is asked, "Why did you do that?" You may get a reason. When a reason is given--he/she may feel the behavior is validated. He/she may say-- I"m sorry BUT______which in essence is is giving a reason that blames another and does not taking ownership nor responsibility for actions.

    • He is saying, I'm sorry but he was bothering me.
    • I'm sorry but he was humming loud.
    • I'm sorry but he was looking at me funny.

When a child says, "I'm sorry BUT..." he is again not taking ownership but putting the blame on someone or something else.
This isn't an apology.

Barb Shelby