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Valentine Jokes for Kids

January 6, 2011 16:48 by Barbara Shelby

 

These Jokes are fun to tell---but also great to use on  Valentine cards you make!  Put the question on the cover and the answer inside! Draw, paint, or decorate the card as the joke indicates...

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Q. What did the boy elephant say to the girl elephant on Valentine's Day?
A. I love you a ton!

Q. What did the boy bat say to the girl bat on Valentine's Day?
A. You're fun to hang around with!

Q. What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day?
A. You're purrr-fect for me!

Q. What did the boy pickle say to the girl pickle on Valentine's Day?
A. You mean a great dill to me!

Q. What did the boy bird say to the girl bird on Valentine's Day?
A. Let me call you Tweet heart!

Q. What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine's Day?
A. I'm nuts about you!

Q. What did the girl squirrel say to the boy squirrel on Valentine's Day?
A. You're nuts so bad yourself!

Q. What did the boy rabbit say to the girl rabbit on Valentine's Day?
A. Somebunny likes you!

Q. What did the boy bear say to the girl bear on Valentine's Day?
A. I wuv you beary much!

Q. What do you call a very small valentine?
A. A valentiny!

Q. What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day?
A. Cauliflowers!

Q. What did the boy bee say to the girl bee on Valentine's Day?
A. You are bee- utiful! Will you bee mine?

Q. What did the girl bee say to the boy bee on Valentine's Day?
A. I love beeing with you, Honey!

Q. What did the boy whale say to the girl whale on Valentine's Day?
A. Whale you be mine?

Q. What did the buck say to the doe on Valentine's Day?
A. You're a dear! (Deer)

Q. What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine's Day?
A. Owl be yours!

Q. What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine's Day?
A. I love ewe!

Q. What did the girl sheep say to the boy sheep on Valentine's Day?
A. You're not so baaaaaa-d yourself!

Q. What did the farmer give his wife on Valentine's Day?
A. Hogs and kisses!

Q. What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
A. Ughs and kisses!

Q. What two words have a thousand letters in them?
A. Post Office!

Q. Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
Because it's all heart.

Q. What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
 Forget-me-nuts.

Q. What did the letter say to the stamp?
You send me.

Q. What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A. I'm stuck on you.

Q. What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
A. His ghoul-friend.

Q. Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A. Because it couldn't get a date.

Q. What is a ram's favorite song?
A. I only have eyes for ewe, Dear

Q. What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A. You get buttered up.
 
Q. What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?
A. One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard.

Q. If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A. Antelope.
 
Q. Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A. No, but they had an apple.

Q. What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A. I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand...

Q. What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A. Stick with me and we'll go places!
 
Q. What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A. I find you very attractive.

Q. What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A. You're fun to hang around with.

Q. What did one light bulb say to the other?
A. I love you a whole watt!

Q. What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
 A. I love you a ton!

Q. What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A. I'm sweet on you!
      
Q. Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A. He fell in love with a pin cushion!

Q. What did the pencil say to the paper?
A. I dot my i's on you!

Q. Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
A. Sure, they're very scent-imental!

KNOCK-KNOCK VALENTINE JOKES

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Frank.
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Jimmy.
Jimmy who?
Jimmy a little kiss?

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Atlas.
Atlas who?
Atlas Valentine's Day is here!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke, I got a Valentine!

JOKE MENU...


Thanksgiving Jokes for Kids

January 7, 2010 16:53 by Barbara Shelby

 

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Why did Johnny get such low grades after Thanksgiving?
Because everything is marked down after the holidays..

Why was the turkey the drummer in the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

Why did the turkey play the drums in his band?
Because he already had drum sticks!

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.

What do you call a dumb gobbler?
A jerky turkey.

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
Because they never learned good table manners.

What has feathers and webbed feet?
A Turkey wearing scuba gear.

What key has legs and can't open doors?
A turkey.

What kind of potatoes go oui-oui-buzz-buzz?
French flies.

What kind of vegetable would you like on thanksgiving?
Beets me!

Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language.

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all.

What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.

How can you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey.

Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
The turkey because he's already stuffed!

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot.

What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
Fangs-giving.

Why do pilgrims pants keep falling down?
Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside.

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside.

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I'll let you know next week.

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
The turKEY.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!

Where did the first corn come from?
The stalk brought it.

Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam.

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape.

How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
It hugged the shore.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chickens day off.

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring MayFlowers.

JOKE MENU...

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Jokes about Dinosauers

June 29, 2009 21:41 by Barbara Shelby

Q: What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

Q: Why did the dinosaur get in the bed?
A: Because he was tired!

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off.

Receptionist: Doctor, there's an invisible dinosaur in the waiting room.
Doctor: Tell her I can't see her!

Q: What do you call a fossil that doesn't ever want to work?
A: Lazy bones!

Q: What did the dinosaur say after the car crash?
A: I'msosaurus

Q: What do you call a tyrannosaurus that talks and talks and talks?
A: A dinobore!

Q: What was T. rex's favorite number?
A: Eight! (ate).
 
Q: Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum?
A: Because they can't afford new ones!

Q: Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch?
A: That depends on how fast you carry it!

John: I lost my pet dinosaur.
Ron: Why don't you put an ad in the newspaper?
John: What good would that do, she can't read!

Q: Why did the dinosaurs go extinct?
A: Because they wouldn't take a bath!

Q: What makes more noise than a dinosaur?
A: Two dinosaurs!

Q: What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you!

Q: What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
A: Try-Try-Try-ceratops!

Q: Which dinosaur slept all day?
A: The dino-snore!
   
Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur?
A: Hello, hello!

Q: What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur?
A: Cheer him up!

Q: Did the dinosaur take a bath?
A: Why, is there one missing?

Q: What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur?
A: Long distance!

Q: What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo?
A: A Bronco-saurus!

Q: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks?
A: DINOMITE!

Q: Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house?
A: Any kind! A house can't jump!

Q: What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat?
A: Anything she wants!

Q: Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red?
A: So she could hide in the strawberry patch!

Q: What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed?
A: Find somewhere else to sleep!

Q: Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed?
A: Exactly the same as short dinosaurs !

Q: When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet?
A: When it's not raining!

Q: Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down?
A: In the dark!

Q: What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing?
A: Her shadow!

Q: What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes?
A: Out of the way!
 
Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
A: Jurassic Pork!

Q: How do you know if there's a dinosaur in your refrigerator?
A: Look for footprints in the pizza!

Q: What happened when the dinosaur took the train home?
A: She had to bring it back!
 
Q: Why was the dinosaur afraid of the ocean?
A: Because there was something fishy about it!

Q: What do you call a Stegoceras with one leg?
A: Eileen (I lean)!

Q: What made the dinosaur's car stop?
A: A flat Tire-annosaurus !

Q: What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use?
A: A dino-saw !

Q: Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes?
A: A dino-sewer!

Q: Which dinosaurs were the best policemen?
A: Tricera-cops!

Q: What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress?
A: Rep. Tile!

Q: Where did Velociraptor buy things?
A: At a dino-store!

Q: What is an Iguanodon's favorite playground toy?
A: A dino-see-saur!

Q: How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ?
A: As fur as you can get!

Q: Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat?
A: Because they don't know how to cook!

Q: What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had?
A: Baby dinosaurs!

Q: How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ?
A: One. After that, the box isn't empty anymore!

Q: How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ?
A: The door won't close!

Q: Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation?
A: To the dino-shore!

Johnny: Why did the Triceratops cross the road?
Billy: He didn't, the chicken crossed the road.
Johnny: Well, why did the chicken cross the road?
Billy: To get away from the Triceratops

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JOKE MENU...

 


Jokes: Sport Variety, Baseball & Football

June 29, 2009 21:18 by Barbara Shelby

 


BASEBALL JOKES

 What does baseball have in common with pancakes?
They both rely on the batter!

What do you get when you cross a baseball pitcher with a carpet?
A throw rug.

What did the baseball player do when the coach said to steal second?
He stole the base and went home.

Where does a baseball player go when he needs a new uniform?
New Jersey.

Where should a baseball player never wear red?
In the bull pen

What do baseball players eat on?
Home plates!

Why don't baseball players join unions?
Because they don't like to be called out on strikes

Why are baseball players so rich?
Because they play on diamonds!

When should baseball players wear armor?
When they play knight games

Which takes longer to run: from first to second base or from second to third base?
From second to third base, because there is a shortstop in the middle.

Why did the baseball team hire a cook?
They needed a good batter.

Why is a baseball umpire like an angry chicken?
They both have foul mouths!

Why is it bad to play basketball with a pig?
Because it will always hog the ball!

What would you get if you crossed a basketball with a newborn snake?
A bouncing baby boa.

Where does a bat go to get clean?
The Bat Tub

Why was the baseball player at the store?
For a sales pitch.

How did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it!

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FOOTBALL JOKES

 Why didn't the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer!

Which insect didn't play well in goal?
The fumble bee!

When fish play football, who is the captain?
The team's kipper!

Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
They might be cheetahs!

Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere!

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar can't jump!

Why are football players never asked for dinner?
Because they're always dribbling!

Why did the football player hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music!

What tea do football players drink?
PenalTEA!

Where do footballers dance?
At a footBALL!

What did the bumble bee striker say?
Hive scored!

What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts!

What lights up a football stadium?
A football match!

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
Cornflakes !

How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football games?
They prefer cricket games!

Why did the chicken get sent off?
For persistent fowl play!

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VARIOUS  SPORT JOKES

Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the gutter!

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
The champire!

What is a tennis player’s favorite city?
Volley wood !

How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping ion!

Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
Because education pays off in the long run!

What is a runner's favorite subject in school?
Jog-raphy!

Who won the race between two balls of string?
They we're tied !

Where do religious school children practice sports?
in the prayground!

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JOKE MENU...


Weather, Gardens, Birds, Bees & Frogs

June 29, 2009 18:56 by Barbara Shelby

WEATHER JOKES

 Whatever happened to the cow that was lifted into the air by the tornado?
Udder disaster!

What did the one tornado say to the other?
Let’s twist again like we did last summer.

What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer?
You make my temperature rise.

What happens when fog lifts in California?
UCLA!

What’s the difference between a horse and the weather?
One is reined up and the other rains down.

What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
My plop is bigger than your plop.

Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.

What’s the difference between weather and climate?
You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.

What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
Foul (fowl) weather.

What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?
I have my eye on you.

How do you find out the weather when you’re on vacation?
Go outside and look up.

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FLOWER AND GARDEN JOKES

Why is grass so dangerous?
Because it's full of blades!

What do you get when you cross poison oak with a four leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.

Why can't the flower ride his bike?
Because he lost his petals!

What do trees drink?
Root Beer!

What did the baby Tulip say to its baby-sitter?
''I want my Poppy and my Mum!''
 
What is the best kind of guy to meet?
A fungi!

What happened to the plant in math class?
It grew square roots!

What do you get when you cross fruit with a necklace?
A food chain!

What kind of flower looks like it just came back from a fight?
A black-eyed Susan!

What do you call a homeless snail?
A slug!

What do you get when you cross a genius with a tree?
Albert Pine-stein!

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the road and turned into a field!

What is a tree's least favorite month?
SepTEMBER!!!

Why is the letter "A" like a flower?
A bee (B) comes after it!

What flowers grow on faces?
Tulips (Two-lips)!

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BIRD JOKES

 What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A penguin falling down the stairs!

When does a teacher carry birdseed?
When there is a parrot-teacher conference!

What kind of bird works at a construction site?
A crane!

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if it lifted both legs it would fall over!

Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it's too far to walk!

What's got wings, feathers, and fangs?
Count Duckula.
 
What does an eagle like to write with?
A bald-point pen.

Where does a peacock go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store!

What books did the owl like?
Hoot-dunits!

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ear off.

How do lovebirds dance?
Chick to chick.

What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment!

What figure is like a lost parrot?
A polygon

Which animal grows down?
A duck.

What does a duck like to eat with soup?
Quackers

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JOKES ABOUT BEES!

 What does a bee get at McDonalds?
A humburger!

What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea?
A bee in a submarine!

What's more dangerous than being with a fool?
Fooling with a bee!

What did the spider say to the bee?
Your honey or your life!

Who is a bee's favorite painter?
Pablo Beecasso!

What did the bee say to the other bee in summer?
Swarm here isn't it!

What is a bee's favorite classical music composer?
Bee-thoven!

Who writes books for little bees?
Bee-trix Potter!

Where do bees go on holiday?
Stingapore!

What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him?
He's bee-witched.

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JOKES ABOUT FROGS (Or to use for Leap Year)

Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them!

What does a frog wear on St. Patrick's day?
Nothing!
 
What did the frog dress up for on Halloween?
A prince.

What’s the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.

What's green and jumps?
A frog!! (groan!)
 
What's green and red?
A very mad frog.

What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox!

What's green with bumps?
A frog with the measles!
 
What's black and white and green?
A frog sitting on a newspaper.
 
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.

What do you say to a hitch-hiking frog?
Hop in!

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad!
 
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it!
     
How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
Unhoppy.
 
What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?
A rubbit!

What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired?
It got toad!!
 
What's green green green green green?
A frog rolling down a hill.

What is a frogs favorite time?
Leap Year!

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Halloween Jokes

June 29, 2009 16:55 by Barbara Shelby

 

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos.

When is it bad luck to meet a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

What's the first thing ghosts do when they get in a car?
They boo-kle their seatbelts.

What did the Kleenex say to the nose?
Put a little boogie in it!

What do the birds sing on Halloween?
Twick or tweet!

Why do mummies make good employees?
They get all wrapped up in their work.

Why are there fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.

Monster#1: Can you lend an ear?
Monster #2: Yes, but I’ll need it back

How do Monsters like movie stars?
Medium Rare.

What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray

What is a Mummy’s favorite type of music?
Wrap!

What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds.

What do you call a fat Jack-O-Lantern?
A plumpkin

What happened to the man who didn't pay his exorcist?
He was repossessed.

What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
Ghoul!

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He had no guts.

What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.

Why don't skeletons like parties?
Because they have no body to dance with.

What's a ghost's favorite color?
Light Boo.

What do you call a skeleton who won't work?
Lazy bones.

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin!

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No Body.

What do you call a friendly dead Egyptian?
A chummy mummy.

How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch-watch.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
Ice Scream.

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 JOKE MENU...

•School & Computers

•Crossing the Road

•Food Jokes

•Animals: Cats, Dogs, Elephants, Variety

•Dinosaurs

•Sports:  Baseball-Football-General

•Jokes Insects, Fleas, Flies, Spiders

•Jokes: Weather, Flowers & Gardens, Birds, Bees, Frogs

HOLIDAY JOKES:

•Patriotic (Labor Day, Memorial Day, Flag Day, Fourth of July, Patriotic Theme, Uncle Sam, Presidents Day)

•Halloween

•Thanksgiving

•All Winter time Jokes: Good All Winter, Reindeer, Christmas

•Valentine  

•St. Patrick’s Day

•Easter

•April Fools Day

•Knock-Knock Jokes

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St. Patick's Day Jokes for Kids

June 29, 2009 16:39 by Barbara Shelby

 

 

Why did the man cross the road?
Because there was a leprechaun on the other side with a pot of gold.
 
Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
Because he could not afford plane fare.

What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A Jolly Green Giant.

What is out in the yard all summer and is Irish?
Paddy O'Furniture.

Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
Because they're always wearing green.
 
What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
He gets wet!

What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
A sham rock.

What is Barney's favorite thing on St. Patrick's day?
A Blarney Stone!

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A sham rock.
 
How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much water to drink and not enough restrooms!

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
He's Dublin over with laughter!

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Regular rocks are too heavy.
 
Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they're always a little short.

Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
They like to "go" first class!

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
He couldn't afford plane fare.

 JOKE MENU...

HOLIDAY JOKES:

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April Fool's Day Jokes

June 29, 2009 16:34 by Barbara Shelby

 

•What monster plays the most April Fool's jokes?
Prankenstein!

•What do you get if you cross a dog with a prankster's holiday?
April Drool's Day!

•What would you get if you crossed Halloween with April 1?
April Ghoul's Day!

•What's the best day for monkey business?
The first of Ape-ril!

•Do you know all about April 1st?
Yes, I'm fooly aware of it!

•Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
Because they've just finished a long, 31 day March!

•What's the difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool's Day?
O
n one you're thankful and on the other you're prankful!

KNOCK-KNOCK JOKES

Knock, knock!
Who's there? Noah.
Noah who?
Noah body . . . April Fool's!

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Noah. Noah who?
Noah fooling this time . . . it's really me!

Knock, knock! Who's there?
Noah. Noah who?
Noah something?
It's still April Fool's!

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 JOKE MENU...

 Holiday Jokes:

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